Finding the Strength to Succeed

– Ashley Taylor – 

5th Year PhD Candidate | Department of Chemistry | Louisiana State University

[dropcap]S[/dropcap]cience was my first love because my parents also loved science. They made sure my siblings and I were introduced to science fairs, science museums, science books, computer programs and virtually anything science related. Thinking back, I really thought I would become an astronomer and a chemist in a beauty lab! Imagine that! However, math wasn’t my favorite subject and I realized astronomy was more than just pretty pictures. The good thing though is that I was always interested in the science behind making cosmetics.

The speaker was spitting chemistry in a sort of rhythm that left me in awe!

In high school, however, my chemistry teacher didn’t have confidence in me. She actually told my mom I wouldn’t be a strong science student and that I should not consider it as a viable career option. I was hurt because I felt that science was all that I knew. Despite her lack of support, I applied to college and chose chemistry as my major! I did this for every college application. I successfully finished undergrad and found myself in graduate school! During my first year, I asked myself daily if I truly belonged. I interrogated myself with thoughts like, “maybe they just let me in because they needed a black female student to fill some sort of diversity quota.” (read about the negative committee here) 

You see, the main reason I chose to attend graduate school was because of one person: Dr. Sayo O. Fakayode, or Dr. Fakay as I call him. I was working in the chemistry office when he came in and asked why I wasn’t in a research lab. I told him that I was not aware of any research since I was just a freshman at that time trying to make it through my general chemistry courses. He invited me to attend a senior research presentation and I obliged. To say it was way over my head is an understatement. I was completely lost and struggling to understand what the heck the speaker was talking about. The speaker was spitting chemistry in a sort of rhythm that left me in awe. Immediately after the presentation, I went to Dr. Fakay and told him that chemistry might not be the field for me because I had no clue what the speaker was talking about. He quickly replied, “of course she speaks so fluently (or fluidly); it’s her own work!” Long story short, he then talked me into joining his research group! He guided me through it all and supported me at every step. To this day, he tells people I am his daughter!

So back to my first year in graduate school. My doubt became obstructive because I did not feel like the strong student I knew I was. Even when I joined my research group it seemed as though I just wasn’t clicking with my research. I felt like I was the worst graduate student in America because I couldn’t get anything to work! The project was passed down from a post-doc because she couldn’t get the project to work. After a while of things not working for me as well, I became depressed and my days literally seemed to appear gray. After a while, my fiancé even questioned what was going on with me. The moment that really hit me was the summer going into my third year when I was preparing research for my general exam the following semester. My research advisor basically told me that I needed to think of other options such as a new research advisor, a master’s degree, or finding a job because of lack of progress in my work. To make matters worse, my fellowship ended at that same time. I was devastated but secretly relieved because I wanted a way out of my depression.

My mentors kept telling me not to think that way because they knew I was capable. I picked myself up and hustled by interviewing other research advisors, applying to jobs, and completed my master’s degree in a single semester. During the crazy fall semester of hustling LSU’s campus for a place in life, receiving rejection letters from jobs and wondering where the heck I would end up, I successfully defended my master’s degree and joined another research group within the department. I am now a PhD candidate in my research group!

I am very close to the finish line and I refuse to slow down.

What do I study? Well, my research involves using particle lithography to pattern different pthalocyanine compounds onto substrates for characterization by different modes of Atomic Force Microscopy (AFM). Pthalocyanines are used as dyes, in photovoltaic devices, energy storage, etc. My plan is to study the magnetic and conductive properties of these compounds based on their different metal centers. The cool thing about this work is the fact that atomic force microscopy is the best for imaging due to its high resolution—and I mean truly high resolution. We are able to see things at the nanoscale! Check out the image to the right showing 500 nm Latex Mesopheres acquired by Tapping Mode on AFM.

So, I continue to march forward on this journey in science. Never let anyone tell you, “no.” According to my high school chemistry teacher, I would have never succeeded in science. The beginning of my graduate school studies was a challenging time for me, but I did not allow it to stop me. I now know what my goal is and I am determined to achieve it. I am very close to the finish line and I refuse to slow down. I still have lots to do and I plan to finish strong. You must trust the vision you have for yourself.

Feature Image by Michael Havens is titled “Strength” | Found on Flickr | Some rights reserved

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